let's read a story.. of a girl & her "mother"...
Once upon a time, there was a young lady who fell in love with a guy...... a guy who's family did not accept this young lady. Despite the fact that she was a virgin and beautiful, his family called her a whore amongst other horrible names. They treated her like crap, spit in her food, drove her to wal-mart and left without her, etc etc. The typical harassment anyone could pull off.. so somehow along the way, this lady became a psycho. Something must have clicked in her head, and some hormones must have been produced that should not have been.... Along the way, she had four kids; a boy & 3 girls. One of the girls favor the dad the most; her looks, her behavior, everything.
Because of those reasons, her mom never loved her. or more.... it was a love hate relationship. she loved her daughter because she is still her daughter, and hated her for being a mirror image of all the unhappiness she has endured in her relationship with the girl's father.
So while the young girl was growing up, she endured much too; constant beatings, pinches, and verbal abuse.... low self esteem at an early age that never went away..
The first time the little girl remembered ever having any type of epiphany is the day she turned 12. The day her cousins from her father's side came over to say happy birthday and her mother went ballistic. With a metal rod that had black plastic covering, she beat her daughter to death.... the plastic broke and cut the little girl up everywhere. but the girl who realized for the first time in her life the reason her mother treated her like crap was because when she looked at her daughter, she could see her enemies and all the people who have ever hurt her.. all the things that have ever hurt her lied in the eyes of her poor little daughter who just happened to look like her husband and his side of the family.. the little girl grew angry. very angry. and inside, she became strong. with every strike, she became stronger. with every strike, she made herself colder to the emotions that could have overcome her then and there.. and the pain that could have killed her in those moments. she let not a tear, a cry out... until her mother left the house. and then she went crazy and yelled at the top of her lungs for the first time in her life. she hated everyone for not stopping what just happened to her, because her body stung ... it stung from the strikes she just endured.
Then the girl realized.. all the nights when she was sleeping and her mother woke her up with pains to her young and vulnerable skin.... was all because her mother saw in her something she wasn't. Her mother saw the mirror image of all the things that caused her pain.... and it wasn't fair.
All the times she protected her mother from anything that she thought would cause her pain..... because this little girl was molested when she was younger by a man her mother let rent the house. He was a chain-smoker, old, wrinkly, and worst of all, a pervert. Because the little girl's family was poor and not well off, she didn't want to worry her parents.. she kept it all a secret..... she told her little sister, but they both kept it a secret. They both did. to protect their family.
Finally, when the girl was eighteen or so.... and her mother wanted to let another old man rent the house, she spoke up and said it was not a bright idea. She realized her family is not poor like they use to be and the extra couple of hundred probably will not help as much as it could hurt. The mother said, "You are stupid, so stupid and you do not value money. The money will help us, we can save it." and the girl started crying.. because deep inside she knows what happened the last time a man rented their house. She finally spoke up and said, "Maybe you don't know anything. Maybe you just have never protected me ever. and You don't know what happened the last time you let a stupid old man rent our house. Maybe you're stupid or maybe you just don't care" then she told her mom about how she was molested..... and her mother called her a HOE. a HOE!!!!! and the girl just cried.... like she has been crying her whole life. and her little sister who was the only person who has ever loved her.... screamed at the mother. asking her how she could be such a horrible mother.
and the girl cried. like she's been crying her whole life. cause that's all she can do...
When she was 11, she wrote her mother many many many suicide notes. She kept them in a notebook that she showed no one, not even her little sister... She vowed one day when she committed suicide, someone would find it. Someone would show her mother.
She cried into napkins and kept them in the same notebook.. she wrote notes on the napkins to show her mom all the pain she put her through. she wiped the blood with the same napkins.... and put them in the notebook.
When her dad didn't protect her, she wiped her tears with the same napkins and put them in the notebook...
One day she wrote a note.. and she stuck it in her history book... the only note she ever stuck anywhere that's not in the suicide notebook.....
and one day a boy from school borrow the book and reported it.............. the girl had to go to counseling when people found out. she cried.. she felt scared... waiting for her mom to be called in.. the girl ripped up all the suicide notes she ever wrote and stuck it in a trash can. she didn't want people to think she was crazy, just hurt. not crazy.
the counselors asked her why she thought her mom didn't love her...... while her mom just sat there laughing, hhysterically. she stayed quiet.... because anything she said would turn her mom over to the officials. and that wasn't what she wanted, because deep down, she loved her mom. more than anything in the world. when the counselors gave up...... they sent her home.. and she begged them to let her stay.. at least until three o clock, when her father got off work, he could come pick her up.........
but they refused. and they made her leave. and she was afraid for her life.............
she got into the car and her mother told her.. she was a good for nothing. the only thing she does is cause problems for her family.. and she pinched her...... as hard as she could. the little girl feared.... she feared the pain....... she fell sick.......... and was later taken to the hospital. everything in the world was shaking... that whole weekend. everything was shaking and everything felt hot..... and the girl was sick.. to her stomach. she wanted to die............... but it wasn't her time yet.
every morning, she would pray.... to hear from a god who never seemed to answer.......... and when i say everything morning, the girl did pray every morning, for a faith that would make her strong, but it didn't. or it did, but she was too busy being hurt to notice how strong her faith really made her.
in eighth grade, she started being a fighter. because she had nightmares each night of her mom beating her to death.. and some mornings, she would awake to beatings.. they would come without warning. and the black people at school, they were always so cruel.. and so ignorant to all the things this little girl endured when she wasn't at school. school was her one escape, and even then it couldn't be.. because of the cruel people in this world. she attended a predominantly black school and people picked on her.. she fought back.. because she was a fighter.
In 9th grade, she started overdosing on pills, any type of pills she could get her hands on. she took a five hundred pill bottle of tylenol in less than two months and didn't die. the worse that happened was a faint.... and then she'd come back alive. she took everything in sight, no matter what it was. it numbed her from the physical pain.. and the emotional baggage she carried. she started skipping school... to hide herself from the world.... she started smoking weed.. and she hated everyone who judged her. because all of the asians judged her. but they never knew what went on in her head.. and at home.. this little girl had nothing to protect her her whole life.. not even her own father.
she became stronger.. because of all the judgement and harassment she faced at school... it made her stronger when dealing with her mom. and emotionally numb. so... cold and numb.
when her father went to his home country..... her mother beat her.... beat and beat and beat. when the employee came.. she ran to the door to open it. she thought in front of someone her mother would stop, but that didn't stop her psychotic mother. beat beat beat! that's why the little girl envied others.... she felt liek asians were stupid. they didn't know when to get help when it was needed.
when she was 17.. in the midst of all this happening, she met a boy.... who also had family problems... and he was her shoulder. he helped her move out.. he was the first person she ever told about her family problems, the real details.. he loved her.... and she fell in love with him.... until he broke her heart years down the road......
this story seems neverending.. like this little girl can never stop typing.. because there is just so much that she has never told anyone.....
she started to cut.. her hands.. and her wrist.. she threatened suicide to her mother's face for the first time. and eventually her dad told her never to talk to him again. her mother tried to forbid her sisters to talk to her anymore.. the little girl finally lost it. after 20 years of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse.. she finally felt bogged down with the weight of the world. it's probably sad to say, but she may have lost it because of the loss of faith.... she's in college with an amazing gpa.... and she finally broke down and stopped going to all her classses, missed quizzes after quiz, and test after test... she's letting her whole life slip away....
because of all the damage. it's been detrimental to this girl and her health and her well-being. and this post, is just bits and pieces of all the things this girl has endured. just bits of it.... like.. 10% of it...... and not even all the little details that have made her who she is.
but she wants to keep trying. she now has two jobs, trying to make it in the world on her own.
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